Not knowing.... No control!!!!

      I am a women who does not know what my future holds,even though I try so hard to make my future bright or me and my kids.  I dont understand why things go so wrong ?,, am I being tested by God? I would really like to know.  The no control comes in because in my house my boyfreind controls everything... in every sense of the word. Making me feel like i am living in a jail and he is my Co... Thats an awful way to live. Not having control over any part of my life is just making me so depressed and so not wanting to deal with things in life that are hard for me... How do I get the control back ......?

Stroke and Pain!!!

     Today I am kinda down... I woke up this morning not feeling to excited about the day... But then I looked at my son and relized how lucky and blessed I am . Feeling this on the outside... I am feeling sad and broken on the inside.... I am tired of dealing with the effects of my stroke.... My stroke has left me weak ... tired... and not as strong as i once was.. My memory and thought process has been effected. I have lost such precious memories that I now can not remember... I am so young and I wonder why god has done this to me,,, but then I think that everything happens for a reason... But honestly  this test I wish he wouldnt of put on me.... All I want is to be normal .. and strong and healthy for my kids... When I am not feeling good... when I am feeling weak... I have to fight through it all and be there for my kids... I can not just sit down and be like please let me just take a second. This stroke has truly broken my spirit and soul... And I hope that soon that my body will begin to heal...... This has been a major obstacle in my life.. and it just really sucks.

Being Better!!!

       I have thought lately that I sorta well need to turn over a new leaf or change something in me... I might have let things my family said discourage me and think that I am not good enough.. So here I am just trying harder and trying to be better than ever... I dont know if I should want or even care what my family thinks or says... so why does it get to me?    My life is complicated enough with out my family putting negative energy into my life.. so should I cut them out of my life or no... 
       During this I'm trying to 100% be a better mom.... learn new ways to handle the struggles of having children.... Being a  better mom is more important than anything... and thats my main focus right now...But for some reason this little voice tells me while all this is going on that I should still take care of myself. My kids will always need me.....
        Being better is the goal of my life right now and that is what has got to keep me going...

Waking up kinda down!!!

    Today I woke up not really wanting to get out of bed,,,, I wanted to sleep the day away. But the children were needing to get up and ready for school... so duty called.. Up and at em I went..  I now sit here thinking that I wish that I had help doing even the little things for the kids.. I dont want to seem lazy ..or like I cant do it myself... but its nice to have help right?   I will not be broken any more ,,, I will get my strength back and do all the needs to be done... Thats my job.